This morning, I woke up and kissed my dad's head.
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
"The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great."
Then I thought about breakfast, "I hope it's not late."

Mom took me outside; we walked for a while.
This never fails to make Mama smile.
I sniffed of everything that we did pass.
I ate something weird-it gave me gas.

I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.

That obedience book was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right.
When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.

I made streamers of T.P., while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick-but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past.
She stopped, shook her head, and breathed, "you're too fast."

Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lightning.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord.
She thought I was mad, but I was just bored.

When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
That's when my tushy got shoved out the door
I love it inside, but outside is best.
I lay in the cool grass and had a good rest.

That didn't last long, there was too much to do.
Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone and scratched at a flea.
I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.

I barked at the kids when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss.
I barked at the neighbor. I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked till Mom yelled, "COME IN."

The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy; we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms.
I woo-wooed, "Hello!" then jumped in his arms.

Sitting under the table-it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate.
I raced through the house and scattered my toys,
Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise.

Mom found her purse-the one I abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked, "Amused?"
I cowered down low. I must be in trouble.
Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy. It must be his double!"

Mom turned off the TV and said, "Time for bed."
Dad said, "Let's go, boy," and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad.
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.

Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below,
Then let loose a sigh-a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss and snuggled me tight
And whispered so softly, "My darling, good night!"

The bitch's strength's like that of ten because she is obsessed
with cat alerts and puppy poop and who is least and best.
But dogs are aimed at larger goals, like food and food and sex
and walks and quiet thoughts and time to be perplexed

by bitches who blow hot and cold, with cold their standard state,
each more inclined to bark at cats outside the gate
than answer back when dogs approach and ask them for their sign,
just turn away, or sit down flat, or otherwise decline.

So dogs decide when dinner's on and how to pee uphill
to tell the world they're twelve feet tall, but still,
there's something hollow in their bark, these semi-kings,
for bitches get to be in charge of the important things.

As the mother of a 5-year-old, I'm still working on my official "Motherly Stare of Guilt" -- that wordless, steely gaze my mother used to give that made me want to crawl under a chair.

To learn the art of the stare, I'm taking lessons from the reigning Queen of Guilt in our family: my dog.

"She's staring at me," I whisper to my husband. "She's staring at me, and she knows I'm going for a run without her."

"Don't make eye contact," my husband whispers back. "I'll divert her attention with a squeaky toy, and you sneak out the back door."

Half an hour later, I quietly open the back door to find her forlornly staring at me.

"OK, OK, I'm really sorry," I say to her, instantly filled with remorse. "How can I make it up to you?"

I give her a treat. She stares at me. I brush her. She stares at me. I take her in the back yard to play fetch. She stares at me.

"All right! Fine! You win! I'll take you out for a run."

When we return I feel certain that I've finally made my dog happy.

That is, until I look down and see those unblinking eyes fixated on me. "What?!" I ask her. "What more could I possibly do?!"

Dog guilt. It's guilt you feel at the office. Guilt you feel at the mall. Guilt you feel on vacation. It's guilt that never sleeps.

At 3 in the morning I tiptoe past her for a glass of water and her eyes pop open -- "Anything for me? Did you want to play? Want to go for a walk? Were you thinking of petting me? Just in case you need a friend, I'm here waiting."

I slip down the stairs to the kitchen in the morning and she's already sitting next to the refrigerator -- "What about me?"

I slither out the front door to get the paper -- "What about me?"

I sit down with my cup of coffee and the front page only to find a head on my knee and those eyes staring through the paper -- "What about me?"

I stare back at the set of eyes trained on my face and ask my dog, "How can you possibly make me feel guilty? You're the one who regularly does something unspeakable on the rug four minutes after it's back from the cleaners. You're the one who's chewed the noses off of every stuffed animal in this house. And I'm the one who feels bad? Ha."

She stares back at me, and I instantly feel guilty for ever having had such thoughts. I put down my paper and coffee, grab a leash and am dragged out the front door.

When it comes to guilt, I'll always be 10 steps behind my dog.

Dear God:
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God:
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:
When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in?

Dear God:
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God:
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?

Dear God:
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

Dear God:
I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.

Dear God:
The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs"
~ Aldous Huxley

"Histories are more full of the examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends."
~ Alexander Pope

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
~ Andrew A. Rooney

"Even consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow, They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
~ Anne Tyler

"A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours."
~ Anonymous

"A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him."
~ Anonymous

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
~ Anonymous

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
~ August Strindbert

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
~ Ben Williams

"Our dogs, like our shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well."
~ Bonnie Wilcox

"Happiness is a warm puppy."
~ Charles Schulz

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does"
~ Christopher Morley

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
~ Dr. Tom Cat

"In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog."
~ Edward Hoagland

"If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater ... suggest that he wear a tail."
~ Fran Lebowitz

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
~ Fran Lebowitz

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
~ Franklin P. Jones

"All knowledge, the totality of all questions and answers, is contained in the dog."
~ Franz Kafka, Investigations of the dog

"Nobody can fully understand the meaning of love unless he's owned a dog. A dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than a man can gather through a lifetime of handshakes."
~ Gene Hill, The Dog Man

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies"
~ Gene Hill

"The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog."
~ George Graham Vest

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
~ Groucho Marx

"I am only one, but I am still one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do."
~ Helen Keller

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
~ Holbrook Jackson

"Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just Tribute to the Memory of Boatswain, a Dog."
~ Inscription on the monument raised for Lord Byron's dog, Boatswain

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heave, and very, very few persons."
~ James Thurber

"Man is troubled by what might be called the Dog Wish, a strange and involved compulsion to be as happy and carefree as a dog."
~ James Thurber, And So To Medve

"The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to his level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his."
~ James Thurber

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
~ Joe Weinstein

"A dog is 'almost human' and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such."
~ John Holmes

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
~ John Steinbeck

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
~ Josh Billings

"If you want butterflies you must have caterpillars"
~ Kate Ashley

"The bond with a true dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth will ever be."
~ Konrad Lorenz, Man Meets Dog

"No matter how little money and how few possessions, you own, having a dog makes you rich."
~ Louis Sabin, All About Dogs As Pets

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."
~ Mahatma Gandhi

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
~ Mark Twain

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring -- it was peace."
~ Milan Kundera

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
~ Nora Ephron

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
~ Penny Ward Moser

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
~ Rita Rudner

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
~ Robert Benchley

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
~ Robert A. Heinlein

"The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too."
~ Samuel Butler

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
~ Sigmund Freud

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
~ Smiley Blanton

"No animal I know of can consistently be more of a friend and companion than a dog."
~ Stanley Leinwoll

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."
~ Steven Wright

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
~ Sue Murphy

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
~ Unknown

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
~ Unknown

"If your dog is fat, you are not getting enough exercise"
~ Unknown

"In dog years, I'm dead."
~ Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy you the wag of his tail."
~ Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
~ Unknown

"Torturing one animal is cruelty. Torturing many animals is science?"
~ Unknown

"Who kicks a dog kicks his own soul towards hell"
~ Will Judy

Here are some AKC titles suggested but not yet approved!

BD: Bed Dog:
Waits to be invited on the bed.
Able to get on bed by self.
Snuggles next to you when you are alone in bed.
Remembers not to scratch in bed.
Knows not to eliminate in bed.

BDX: Bed dog excellent:
All of the above plus -
Able to get up on bed between two sleeping adults and
find a comfortable place without disturbing people.
Jumps off bed without waking anyone up.
Does not leap off bed barking if a cat walks through the room.

UBD: Utility bed dog:
All of the above plus -
Able to get up on bed with a person and at least one other dog, and find a good space without awakening person.
Has learned not to let gas while in bed.
Does not leap off bed barking even if other dogs in household start barking.

UBDX: Utility bed dog excellent:
All of the above plus -
Wipes feet before getting on bed.
Gets on bed with another dog and two cats and a person without disturbing person.
Rearranges cats to get closer to person.
Blames cat if lets gas in bed.
Does not leave bed until person is ready to get up in the morning.

Now I lay me down to sleep
Mommies pillow under feet
Wrapped up in her patchwork quilt
Ready to lay on shivering guilt.

Mommy comes to climb into bed
Finds me in her place instead
She shifts my leaded body over
Climbs on in, pulls up the cover.

There I snuggle warm and safe
Close my eyes to end the day.

Now I lay me down to sleep
Mommies arms wrapped tight around me.

The dog is not allowed in the house.

Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

The dog can get on the old furniture only.

Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but NOT under the covers.

The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.

The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

1. If you have an upset stomach, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug, or, shag is good.

2. Determine quickly which guest hates dogs. Sit next to that person's leg. He won't dare push you off, and will even call you "nice dog". If you can arrange to have dog food on you breath, even better.

3. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. One the door is open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, sit. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important in cold weather and mosquito season.

5. Get enough sleep during the day so you are fresh for play between 2 and 4 a.m.

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.